I believe the more discerning we are, the more successful we feel—and become. It’s a radical belief, isn’t it?

Most people want to be more discerning but don’t allow themselves to be. They fear it will have disastrous effects on their lives or businesses. Just the other day, I had a client facing this exact dilemma: a prospective project that was financially rewarding, but neither exciting nor personally fulfilling, at least as it was currently scoped and proposed.

In this time of economic uncertainty, they felt they should take the client on and not push back. One of my “Tara-isms” is: “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

After talking it through, it became abundantly clear what was a true want and what was a should, need, or toleration. That clarity gave my client the fuel to have a follow-up conversation with the prospective client—one that would lead to either a powerful yes, or a clear and empowering no. We don’t have the final outcome yet, but either way, it’s a win. They’ll either have a project they’re excited about or one they’re relieved they didn’t take on.

Why Discernment Feels So Difficult

The road to discernment often feels like an epic journey. That’s because we’re taught from a very young age that we “have to” do things we don’t want to do:

• We have to push through to the goal.
• We have to take one for the team.
• We have to fulfill our commitments.
• We have to be disciplined.

And so, “have to” becomes baked into our vocabulary. How often do you catch yourself saying, “I have to do that”? Probably all the time.

But sometimes, “I have to” really means “I want to.” Other times, it’s your inner saboteur speaking—convincing you that you don’t have a choice.

Next time you hear yourself say, “I have to,” “I need to,” “I should,” or “I ought to,” stop and ask yourself:
“Do I want to?”

Sometimes, it really is a want. It’s a clear and powerful yes, without hesitation. In that case—do it. Double down on the yeses. When we spend our time doing things we truly want to do, we honor ourselves. That’s the road to abundance and flow.

And sometimes, we realize that the “have to” isn’t a want at all. As Rich Litvin, author of The Prosperous Coach, once said:

“When we say yes to things that aren’t a ‘Hell Yes,’ it simply becomes ‘Hell.’”

Saying yes to things we don’t want to do robs us of energy and joy. It’s like poking holes in your energetic gas tank. All that beautiful energy leaks out, and suddenly, you’re running on empty.

Think about the things you dread. The ones that tie your stomach in knots. Take a stand. Stop doing the things you clearly don’t want to do. Make it a powerful no.

Navigating the Messy Middle

But not everything is black and white. Much of life exists in the messy middle—it’s not a powerful yes or an empowered no. It’s kind of. And this is where we often settle. We go through the motions but we aren’t really “in it.” We tolerate what we shouldn’t.

This is where good becomes the enemy of your greatness. And this is where discernment really serves us.

Here are some powerful questions to explore:

• What about this is a want?
• What about this doesn’t work for me?
• What would need to shift to make this a want?
• What would make this a powerful yes—or a clear no?

Once you know the truth, you can’t unknow it. An ancient Chinese proverb says:

“To know and not to do is not to know.”

When you deepen your learning and awareness, you’re naturally pulled toward action and change.

You Always Have a Choice

I know it can feel like you have to do certain things. Like there’s no other option. But the truth is—you always have a choice. There’s rarely just one path forward. Often, there are many choices and possibilities.

One of the most common regrets people express on their deathbeds is:

“I wish I had had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Only you are in the driver’s seat of your life. You choose the roads you go down. You can sit in traffic—or peel off the highway and explore a different, more fulfilling route.

Learn to Discern

Let me end where I began:

I believe the more discerning we are, the more successful we feel—and become.
It’s a radical belief.
Isn’t it time you learn to discern?

I’m curious—what do you want to start doing or stop doing to bring more success into your life and work? Comment below and let me know!